Like an ancient kaiju rising from the sea and inadvertently participating in electoral democracy, President-elect Populism has just been president-elected. Run for your lives!
For the left, this is the reality to end all realities. And now, as they drown in tidal waves of cognitive dissonance and become as a result incendiary, insufferable, incontinent, and insane (not necessarily in that order), we offer to them this short guide to not surviving the Trumpocalypse.
Prepare for gobs of intense navel-gazing by the stunned political intelligentsia and the media. For about six minutes. After that, prepare for the return of the Angry White Male and the surging alt-right (all 12 of them) as the primary explanation for Trump’s triumph.
Prepare for all women everywhere to be deported. Except for a select few hundred hotties who will be abducted and imprisoned in Trump’s secret lair.
Prepare for all people of color and all people of whiteness who identify as a federally authorized hue, such as Rachel Dolezal, to be systematically exterminated until they recant their ethnicity, race and/or cultural appropriation and swear allegiance to David Duke (currently appearing nightly at the fabulous Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City; a tough venue, a brilliant venue, a closed venue, probably the closediest venue there is in the world).
Prepare for the wall that already exists between the United States and Mexico—the one that continued to exist even during the halcyon days of Lord Obama—to continue to keep existing.
Prepare for all Muslims to be rounded up and shot into space. Also, the entire city of Detroit.
Finally, prepare for the ultimate horror as Trump names to his cabinet:
- King Kong as Secretary of State
- Scrooge McDuck as Secretary of the Treasury
- Attila the Hun as Secretary of Defense
- The Terminator as Attorney General
- Martha Stewart as Secretary of the Interior
- Locusts as Secretary of Agriculture
- The Joker as Secretary of Commerce
- Octomom as Secretary of Labor
- Josef Mengele as Secretary of Health and Human Services
- Hurricane Katrina as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development,
- Benito Mussolini as Secretary of Transportation
- Methamphetamine as Secretary of Energy
- Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2) as Secretary of Education
- Ashley Madison as Secretary of Veterans Affairs
- Osama Bin Laden as Secretary of Homeland Security
As if one man whom you will never meet—the man you will ironically claim is #NotMyPresident—can and will control every aspect of your endangered lives, there is all this to fear and more. So, be afraid; be very afraid; be very, very afraid. Run serpentine between your safe spaces. Weep the strong tears of the weak. Assume the fetal position. And have a nice day.